A potentially offensive yo'mama joke:

Yo'mama is like a brick wall.
She's flat on both sides and gets laid by Mexicans.

Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter, seeing that her Mom was lonely, repeatedly urged her to start dating. On her daughter’s advice Karen finally went on a blind date.

After dating for just six weeks Karen and her new boyfriend fell in love. Eager to move the relationship to the next level he asked her to join him for a weekend at his cabin by the lake.

Their first night there, she undressed and stood nude in front of him except for a pair of black lacy panties.

“Why the black panties?” he asked.

“My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.”

He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night, so he kindly suggested they just go to bed. The following night saw the same scenario. There she stood wearing her black panties. Without saying a word he took off all his clothes. He was naked except for a black condom that he had on.

She looked at him and asked curiously, “What’s with the black condom?”

“I would like to offer my deepest condolences”, he replied.

An Indian child asked his father how Indian children get there names.

"Well, when a child is born, the father presents the baby to the tribe. The chief then names the child based on the most striking event he sees at that moment. Your oldest brother, Running Deer, was born while we were camped overlooking a great herd and the valley was a spectacular vision of running Deer. Your sister, Dancing Waters, was born when we were camped near the great river where the rapids are whitecaps that dance among the rocks. Does that answer your question, two dogs fucking?"

How do you know when you have sexually satisfied a redhead?

She unties you!

My birthday was yesterday.

My new neighbors (a cute lesbian couple) gave me a nice new Timex. It tells time in two time zones, has a stopwatch, a count-down timer, and a contacts database.

I think they misunderstood when I told them I wanna watch.

A man comes home to find his girlfriend sitting at the kitchen table with a worried look on her face.

The man quickly responded when saw this and said "Whats wrong hun"

His girlfriend looked up with a serious, sad face and said "I have to break up with you"

The man responded in shock "buuu...wha...whys that hun"

The girlfriend looked up and said "because your a pedophile."

he smiled and responded " Pedophile, thats a pretty big word for a five year old"

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm happily married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, I don't want to have sex with a stranger.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it a beautiful night?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

So this business man sits down at the bar with a briefcase, opens it up and pulls out a miniature grand piano. Then a tiny man about a foot tall in a tux and tails climbs out. The tiny man begins playing the piano beautifully. Chopin, Beethoven, Mozart, all the classics, requests, etc. After about an hour the tiny man returns to the briefcase and the crowd disperses. The amazed bar tender asks. "Where did you ever find this guy." "Well, it's a long story." replies the man at the bar. "I was in Ireland last year and happened upon an elderly Leprechaun who was hard of hearing. He gave me one wish and what I ended up with is a 12 inch pianist.

A man and a woman are seated beside one another at a bar getting rather tipsy. With both visibly depressed, the man asks the woman why she’s so down to which she replies, “My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed.”

“What a coincidence!” he said, “My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed, too.”

So they start talking and find that they have much in common, so they decide to go to the woman’s apartment and have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable.

Moments later, she emerges from the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, complete with whip, handcuffs, a strap-on, and a 12-inch studded dildo. She then hurries into the kitchen, and returns with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Just as she completes her preparation, she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is headeding towards the door.

“What’s going on?” she asks. “I thought you wanted to get kinky?”

The man turns to her and says, “Lady, I just f**ked your dog and s**t in your purse. I’m all done.”

-What did the egg say to the hot water?
Its gonna take a while for me to get hard cause I just got laid by that chick.

-This guy wants to buy a gift to keep his horny girlfriend busy while he's gone. He goes to a nearby adult store to get her something. He discovered a strange box so he asked the manager what is was. He said, "It's a voodoo d*ck, tell it something, and watch what happens."

He then said, "Voodoo d*ck, door!" The voodoo d*ck thrust itself through the door in and out. The guy says, "I'll buy it!". The dude goes home and gives it to his girlfriend. Excited, she said, "Voodoo d*ck, my p*ssy." The voodoo d*ck began to thrust, and she was pleased. The guy then left for his 3 week business trip. Later, his girlfriend, wanted to take the voodoo d*ck out, but she didn't know how, so she found where the store was, and she got in her car. Almost there, she gets pulled over by a cop who caught her speeding. He says to the woman, "Maa'm, why are you speeding?" She replied, "I have a voodoo d*ck pumping inside me and I don't know how to get it out." The cop said, "Voodoo d*ck, my a$$!"

-There’s a guy and girl having sex. The guy busts a nut and throws the condom out the window. The girl freaks out and says, "What the hell are you doing, I’m not done yet and that was the last condom". "Go get it now", she says. So he runs outside to get it but he sees a little boy has it in his hand. The guy says, "Give me that" and the boy says, "no its mine I found it". The guy gives the kid $5.00 and the kid gives him the condom. Then the kid runs home to show his mom the money. His mom asks, "Where did you get that?" The boy says, "I found a Twinkie, and some guy gave me $5.00 for it and he’s s**t out of luck cause I already ate the cream out of the middle.

*vomit*

(((((DEP)))))

Where the hell have you been?

don't hug him he's puking.. wait I'm on to something 2 D's one cup.. you think it's gonna be two big boobies in one tiny bra cup but then you get Dep and Doggy :-)

I think I may have just got some vomit on you. Sorry about that... Don't know why you hugged me when I was in the middle of throwing up.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What did the gynaecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night??
A: Hanson.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your d**k.

Q: What is the difference between a woman and Kentucky Chicken?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What's the difference between a b***h and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a b***h sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: 'Honey, I'm home.'

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this s**t?

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass? A. Pleasing!

Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo!

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime? A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a 'quickie', only you do it yourself.

Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What's a Japanese girl's favourite holiday?
A: Erection day.

Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, you can beat your eggs,and you can beat your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.

This should say 76 or 74. Even number dude.



Q: How can you tell when a Jewish American Princess has an orgasm?

A: She drops her nail file.

Q:Whats a Jewish American Princess's favorite
wine?

A: I wanna go to Miami !

Q: How do you recycle a condom?
A: You shake the f**k out of it...